How Praising Our Kids May Backfire
February 12, 2007
Meet Thomas. He’s in the top one percent, of the top one percent, of kids in New York schools. He’s a smart kid. And everyone tells him so. Ever since he could walk, he’s been complimented on how smart he is.
So how does he feel about failure? He’s afraid to try new things, things he may not be good at.
“Thomas didn’t want to try things he wouldn’t be successful at,” his father says. “Some things came very quickly to him, but when they didn’t, he gave up almost immediately, concluding, ‘I’m not good at this.’ ” With no more than a glance, Thomas was dividing the world into two—things he was naturally good at and things he wasn’t.
It’s the same argument as “praise the kid for something he can do, not something they are.” Don’t say “wow, you’re a great builder”, but instead things like “you’ve put a lot of effort into building that tower.” It emphasizes what the kid has done, and doesn’t pigeonhole the kid into what you think of them.
Praising the action also forces you to look more closely; “You’re great at math” versus “You worked really hard when that math was hard!” You’re focusing more specifically on something about the kid; specific praise works better than generic praise. Would you rather hear, from your sweetheart. “I love you?” or “I love the way you put the toilet paper back on the roll?” Yeah, I thought so too.
When our kids grow up, we want them to be self-assured, confident, responsible and resourceful. We don’t want them to just give up when something looks hard. In other words, we want them to keep trying. Let’s praise the efforts they put forth as well as their smarts
- Posted in : Advice
- Author :russ
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